In reverse, the top entry being the last entry.
February Diary as in, I did something stupid yesterday, stupid as in absent minded. I went to my bank as planned, I had my camera with me and I took lots of lots of pictures but ... I completely forgot to adjust my camera to a very white, very winter day and ended up with a bunch of very white pictures. Merde!
An oversight that brought back unpleasant memories. During the 21 first months of the COVID, I became quite depressed and quite scared mostly because of a very controlling, very distant condo administrator. Unqualified as in without proper knowledge, proper qualifications and proper collaboration. The worst time of my life.
A February Diary with a I loved my father but ... I was afraid of him. He never hurt me but, he constantly and regularly yelled at me and sent me to my room. According to him, everything I did and said was wrong. I became a delinquent and remained one during too many years. It affected my confidence but not my determination.
Hence the subconscious choice of a control freak condo administrator who, in her very own and very sick way, helped me, enabled me to bring the never ending finishing touch I needed to become a more confident and a more determined person. I was and still is determined to do things right, to collaborate but to never be controlled again.
A February Diary as in ... we as humans tend to send our painful memories to our subconscious and to leave them there. Unpleasant memories such as being constantly bullied.
For your information, our conscious mind is the aspect of our rational mental processing while our unconscious mind contains the unacceptable such as feelings of pain, anxiety, conflict.
Our conscious mind contains our pleasant thoughts, memories, feelings while our unconscious mind is a reservoir of feelings, thoughts and memories that are unpleasant, that we don't want to remember.
I woke up this morning with the strong feeling, the strong realization that life will never be the same. It's about time you are saying and I agree but ... the switch from a before to a now to an after is not that easy to de-organize and then re-organize.
Before the COVID I was sort of going out with a friend and lover of the past. Sort of because he was and still is not married but living with someone. I liked spending time with him but I didn't want to move in with him. I like having friends but I don't wish and don't need to live with any of them.
Montreal confirmed its first COVID case in February 2020, the ex-lover disappeared from my life at just about the same time. So did two friends from my teen age years who both live outside Montreal. Sad moments, sad February Diary.
During exactly 21 months, I didn't go out much as I was scared for two main reasons. The COVID of course, each day brought new and scary information plus, an introvert control freak condo administrator. Introvert as in fiercely independent and self-sufficient and controlling as in maintaining authority and decision-making power over co-owners.
It was as if the whole building, my condo was and still is filled with the bad vibes she sends.
An interesting coincidence, I subscribed to CONDO FLASH - Infolettre mensuelle sur la copropriété - and just received like now, the following February Diary information.
INTIMIDATION ET HARCÈLEMENT : LA COUR SANCTIONNE DES COPROPRIÉTAIRES.
Les divergences d’opinions entre les différents copropriétaires et administrateurs d’une copropriété ne sont pas rares. Elles peuvent être bénéfiques si celles-ci se font avec respect. Cependant, elles ne doivent pas se transformer en zones de harcèlement et d’intimidation.
Lorsque certains abusent de leur pouvoir, en tenant des propos vexatoires, en atteignant la crédibilité et la réputation des autres, tout intéressé est en droit de requérir l’intervention du Tribunal.
Dans un récent jugement de la Cour supérieure, le tribunal a émis une « ordonnance de protection » à l’encontre de copropriétaires harcelants, menaçants ou intimidants dans une copropriété. Il s’agit essentiellement d’une ordonnance civile de garder la paix, mais à la différence qu’elle ne s’adresse qu’en faveur de personnes déterminées.
That's it for today folks. I need to go to the bank and I need to pay the 40$ I owe to the person and store who refilled my printer cartridge. Plus, I need to take pictures of our white and not so white surroundings I plan to add to these February Diary pages and to other diariess. Talk to you tomorrow.
I didn't have a very productive, very effective February Diary day yesterday, quite the opposite. I didn't manage to go to my bank and didn't withdraw the $40 I need for my toner cartridge. It's wrong though, I should have kept my promise to the very pleasant, very reliable owner of an interesting little shop full of second hand electronics.
My bank is sort of North / East from my home but ... instead of walking "en diagonale" as I usually do, I chose to go East on one street and then North on another. I walked and walked, got lost, continued to walk and walk and eventually arrived not to my bank but to a neighborhood I was familiar with. I was tired, bought some food at my local grocery store, went home, relaxed, watched a few episodes of The Guardian and went to bed.
I also managed to visit my favorite "Animalerie" and see if they had
finches since I planned on buying two more because, according to some,
two or six is what's best for territorial reasons. However, the young
lady at the Pet Shop didn't agree. She convinced me that four
was OK, especially since they will be getting used to being together in a
rather large cage.
Fine but definitely not my most productive day. In terms of visibility, I need to constantly add new pages and, in terms of sponsorship, I need sponsors interested in my site in exchange for lots and lots of online visibility.
As for this February Diary, it will
most probably remain narrative and hopefully interesting especially
since I already created four pages about online visibility: Creating Online Visibility - Enhanced Online Visibility - Gaining Online Visibility and Improving Online Visibility.
P.S. My finches seem to be fine in their last furniture arrangement. My goal is to make sure they can fly all the way up and all the way down, not just in one or two parts of their cage. Interestingly, they are not afraid when I get close. They look at me and then continue to do whatever they were doing.
I am starting to feel better and I hope you are too. Better as in less anxious about the present and more confident about the future.This is what this February Diary is all about, it enables me relax and share.
In an hour or two I'll walk to my bank, something like a 3 hour walk back and forth. I like to walk, I've always enjoyed it. I've had problems with my debit card recently and I don't want to, again, buy something somewhere, ask for $40 in cash and be told that there is something wrong with my debit card. I checked with my bank, was told that everything was alright but no, I'm not trying again and I'm going to my bank to withdraw the $40 I need.
I need $40 in cash to pay for the refill of my ink or toner
cartridge, I"m not sure what it's called. The place is owned and managed by a nice
man, religious I'm told, Muslim if I remember well but, no credit or
debit cards with him, just cash. His shop, not mine especially since I'm
lucky he's around.
I plan to bring my camera so I can add images to these monthly pages. Winter photos tend to be all white, no surprise, but also kind of dull. I'll do my best to add various shades of brown to our white winter between here and my bank. Plus, I can't wear gloves when I'm taking pictures. Life is tough!
Yesterday, I took a long walk in my local surroundings. A bit cold, a
bit windy by definitely relaxing, especially since I avoided all the
busy streets. I saw a man shoveling his entrance and I asked him for
directions. I knew where I was, I just wanted to have a bit of a
conversation with someone who ended up being a nice person.
I find it difficult to remain positive, less because of the pandemic and more because of the negative atmosphere our administrator managed to create over the years. It sounds a lot like I'm whining and I am but it hurts. I so much look forward to moving from here, decorating my new nest, exploring my new surroundings, meeting new people...
After my walk and while I was shoveling snow from my entrance I said Hello! to a lady who was passing by. A very polite, very friendly lady with very good manners. She reminded me of my boarding school of many years ago and the good manners I was then taught. I so much appreciated having a nice talk with a nice and friendly person. What a difference from the not so friendly not so polite manners of my two co-owners.
I Googled bully and bullying and found: "Are other people constantly making you feel sad, unhappy, worried,
stressed or frightened on a regular basis? Then they may be bullying
The most important thing you can start with, is to talk to somebody about it." I also found that "research shows that some people don't know how to positively respond to stress and, as a result, default to bullying others as a coping mechanism." Makes sense.
Never, I repeat, never buy a condo without meeting your co-owners or at least some of them if its a large condo building. Plus, make sure it's a Gestionnaire and not an Administrator who runs the game. Our Administrator acts as if she's owns the whole building and I'm constantly, and I mean constantly nervous ... what is she going to do next?
According to Condolegal:
Le gestionnaire de copropriété est un homme ou une femme-orchestre, mais aussi l'allié indéfectible des syndicats de copropriétaires. Les administrateurs qui n'ont pas l'expertise pour gérer adéquatement leur immeuble devraient, peut-être, songer à recourir à ses services.
It actually makes sense. I have two degrees, Business Administration
from HEC, Public Administration from l'ENAP and once sent our
administrator an example of how a proper "Rapport détaillé des revenus et dépenses" should look like. The one with detailed information but it didn't change anything.
It didn't work. Everything she
does is done halfway. Whether she's talking or writing, words are
missing. I eventually gave the whole thing up but she hired a
lawyer, stopped talking to me and started threatening me. It must have
been heaven for her, she was in full control, but it was and still is
hell for me until "I finally get the hell out of here and get even!".
Every morning I wake up with an uneasy feeling that stays with me all day. Because of my unwanted and undesired co-owner experience, I've been able to notice that controlling people are also self centered and unable to listen and to collaborate. In short, a very unpleasant, very dysfunctional behavior while I spend my days being scared.
As for my finches, all four of them, I installed 3 nests for them to choose. Two finches use one of the rounds ones while the two others sleep in one of the mangers. I seems that one of the two males is now building a nest in its manger and eating in the nest. Weird but it's their choice.
That said, I am slowly accepting the fact that I'll soon be packing,
selling, buying, moving, unpacking, decorating ... Life is tough ...
but it could be worse, especially since I'm looking forward to move to
my not so perfect - it never is - little house and surroundings and to
meet my new neighbors.
I have an interesting and delicate task ahead of me. It"s now time for me to contact potential sponsors and to offer each and every one of them a "made to measure" range of web visibility in exchange for a fee. A visibility that must meet most if not all their requirements and a fee that must be adequate and proper.
I definitely look forward to introduce you to a very interesting and very special breed of sponsors.That said, my female bully finch may not be a bully, maybe she's simply and fiercely defending her territory? Maybe not! I need to find out.
Despite all this cute activity, it's hard, very hard not to be scared
and depressed because of our administrator and because of her bullying
and her threats. A personal war of minds she ended up winning. She
needed to prove that she's the boss and she won. I no longer have the
energy to fight.
According to Bullying Canada, "bullying happens when someone hurts or scares another person on purpose and the person being bullied has a hard time defending themselves". That's me, that's exactly me and it's so hard to realize and to acknowledge that I am targeted by a bully who happens to be the administrator our our condo building and to whom I send my monthly payments as a co-owner.
I need to get out of here ASAP. I need to move and I need to feel secure and happy again.
I've been procrastinating a lot recently. When the pandemic started and during the next 21 months or so I cleaned up my site, created new pages, embellished others, added new images, etc. while being in some kind of a "déprime" as in "une déprime où le fait d'être déprimé est un état passager, contrairement à la dépression qui se caractérise par des symptômes caractéristiques et durables."
I grew up with a controlling father, never got married because I didn't want to be controlled and chose to buy a condo administered by a controlling woman. A controlling freak obsessed with her title as administrator. I'm not saying I'm better then the rest of the world, I'm saying that I would have highly appreciated conversations and collaboration instead of hostile commentaries and abusive control.
I am exhausted. Not physically exhausted, emotionally exhausted. This is part of a February Diary not a complaint. The whole world is exhausted and each and everyone of us have our own list of disappointments and miseries to cope with.
When I got up this morning, I planned on making a list all my miseries but, of course, I didn't. Whining and complaining won't help and won't fix anything. Some of my miseries come from the COVID of course, just like the rest of the word, while others come from my co-owners, one who criticizes and one who controls. I can't trust them, I can't do business with them and I can't turn them into nice persons so ...
I'm not saying I'm OK and our administrator is not. I'm saying Human Resources is something she completely neglected. As for the Administration part, she's honest but she does everything halfway, and I mean everything. For lack of knowledge I suppose and/or, because she's a control freak and wants to do things her way.
Then again, she's so controlling she's like glue. She's presently selling and moving and I'll be doing the same in a month or two or three? I've been researching small 5 1/2 houses surrounded by enough land in Lanaudière and in Montérégie and found many interesting spots. Unfortunately, I still have lots and lots of decisions to make before I can sit on my patio and admire my new surroundings.
Lots and lots of work
needs to be done before I can move. I look so much forward to be out of
here, to discover my new surroundings, get to know my new neighbors,
make new friends, go shopping, take long walks. I plan to learn how to
live a very peaceful, very pleasant life with my 4 finches, the dog I
plan to adopt, my house, my lawn and my new neighbors.
I believe in destiny. Many years ago I chose to buy and live here because, unconsciously, I needed to acquire a knowledge I didn't have then. Buying this particular condo was a smart financial decision as well as an occasion for me to learn to no longer trust anyone at first sight. Many people are respectful and decent, many such as my two co-owners are not.
My gym opens on Monday, February Diary 14th, probably at 6:00 AM on weekdays as before.
Back to my four finches and to my February Diary. I called the Animalerie - Pet Shop yesterday. One of them had some kind of an injury on the side of its head. One of Its red spot was missing feathers as if it had been bullied. I thought the bully was a male but no, its a female. Finches with red spots on the side of their heads are males, those with no spots are females
The young lady who took my call at the Pet Shop suggested that I reorganize my cage and accessories on a regular basis. Regular basis, I'm not sure, but until the bully is no longer a bully yes, definitely. Something interesting. I installed two types of nests in the cage, one couple chose one of the round nest while the other chose one of the long and narrow one.